Imma Survive Your Apocalypse, Yo

A few months ago, I learned about a 5k race and obstacle course that features…wait for it…ZOMBIES. It’s called Run for Your Lives and looked totally awesomeballs, so I sent a link to my friend who runs frequently. Since it wasn’t happening in Florida, and said friend isn’t exactly a zombie fanatic, she was amused but not that interested.

As fate would have it, a few weeks after I found out about it they added a Florida race. As awesome friends would have it, my friend noticed this and sent me a link.

Now, I am a lazy son of a whore. Daughter of a whore. Shit (*Waves* Hi mom!)—forget it, my point is that I’m lazy. I try to walk sometimes, but never more than for 20 minutes at a time and never really working that hard. I have never, ever been that interested in running a race and I have the stick-to-itiveness of a 5-year-old with ADHD, no medication, and contempt for every activity known to woman.

But a race where zombies chase you? Oh, c’mon! Of course I want to do that.

So I started training for the race two weeks ago. Training for a 5k is different than just walking. It’s much harder. In starting, I realized just how quickly I would die if there really was an apocalypse—or any massive emergency, really.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much my survival depends on having a bug-free, air conditioned shelter around me with a phone to order pizzas and a car to drive me out to places with things like donuts and coffees. Without these things, as it is now, I’d be lying on the ground dying. I couldn’t realistically survive if I was forced to live in the wilderness—or even if I was forced just to live without a car.

This made me start to wonder how much my self-confidence would change if I knew that I could survive any life event because I had both my physical health and some survival training. I wondered how it would change me to literally know that I could survive the worst thing that could ever happen to me (lose my home, lose my husband, lose my fat soft kittehs).

So I decided to springboard this zombie race training into a full-scale incidence of crazy-bearded-off-the-grid girl survivalist training.

This is not a new idea. There are many companies dedicated to providing these services to other crazy people. I’m going to take a pageĀ  out of the books of these fine folks and design an entire year’s worth of apocalypse training junk. From learning how to grow my own food, to learning how to shoot a gun to figuring out how to reuse trash. The only thing I won’t learn is how to kill and skin animals. Holy Mother of All the Baby Kitties wants me to be a vegetarian should there be an apocalypse, and who am I to fight against that? I’ve got some courses and stuff lined up and I’m going to share the whole journey with you. To follow it, just look at the tag I gave this post—because they will all fall under that tag.

So what would you focus on in apocalypse training? What skills would most concern you or would you think are most valuable? How do you think it would change you to know you were capable of surviving without all the comforts known to man?

Categories: Who's Training for Apocalypse Survival? This Writer!